Another Year

Although this year has been filled with a lot of anxiety due to big decisions and belief about them maybe being wrong…. I also feel that contradictorily, I have allowed myself the freedom to truly live, perhaps for the first time in my life. I am attempting to make a conscious effort to listen to that gut feeling (something that does not come naturally to me because I second guess EVERYTHING) and then just roll the fuck with it, come what may.

Cancelling the best laid plans for last minute impromptu boat parties – just because it felt right. Improving my inner dialogue; daily gratitude reminders and affirmations, slowly improving confidence.

Walking until my feet hurt and my hips ache. Trying desperately to regain some fitness and then losing it all over again. Smiling so much my face hurts and laughing until my sides the same. Fulfilling longterm wishes. Keeping promises and finally executing six month long Christmas visit surprises.

A job I hated, a job I loved and one which challenged me completely from the tip of my moral compass to the end of my physical ability. First dates behind waterfalls, fifth dates under forest canopies and drunken kisses under starry skies. Birthday festivals, 1046 cows, experiencing more complete mental and physical exhaustion than I thought possible, elation, road trips, reunions, first time experiences and second chances. Lessons learnt and skills forgotten. New music discovered. Hidden cocktail bars down crowded city streets. Ticking 2 favourite bands off the “must see live” list. Skydiving 14,000 feet up, diving 12 metres down with sharks, shooting a gun. A surrogate little brother who I hid from the onslaught of the New Zealand spring weather with, teaching him English and how to hold his liquor whilst he taught me how to build a chicken pen.

Continuing to fall in love with more people and places than I thought it possible for this little heart to hold dear. Losing myself in virgin rainforest, swimming in ice cold lakes and crystal clear seas, paint fights with total strangers, living with locals and communicating only with smiles, posting cards under the ocean, staring down the mouth of an active volcano. Learning that I still can’t bear to say goodbye.

Talking at great length about the enormity of space, climate change, politics, humanity, the future and the insignificance of it all. Why do the deepest discussions always happen in the dark of night?

Possibly finally learning how to truly live in the moment. Trees are the answer. For me anyway. Lying on the moss covered New Zealand earth, staring upwards at the forest canopy whilst watching the light rain begin to fall down upon us and listening to the native birds. Truly present and in the moment for once.

2016 was filled with more freedom and raw joy then I’d ever known before and I can’t say that 2017 was the same if I’m honest. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The trials and tribulations have been a test for me. I feel I am learning who I am, how to be stronger and who and what I don’t need in my life. I’m trying to wear this as my armour and continue my life as a solo warrior, happier and more confident in my path than before. In 2018 I can only hope for more of the amazing reunions, first meetings and soul tearing departures (because it wasn’t worth the hello if the goodbye doesn’t hurt) that this year has treated me to.

Happy New Year readers, I’ll try to be more active this year too. I hope 2018 brings you everything you wish for ❤

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